shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
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i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you had me at cake vodka
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.