you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!