There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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