and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
