Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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