If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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