he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Btw I puked in your glovebox
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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