Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
