Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
