You're my little dorito
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
