Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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