Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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