based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Even my vagina gasped.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
