Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
