She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I want a musical about memes.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
