Don't make out with my wife yet
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
