Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
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I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
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please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.