i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
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this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
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I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?