The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I believe in your delicious
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize