He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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