I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
