twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There are leaves in my underwear?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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