True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
