Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
