Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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