I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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