Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
