But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I supernannyed him into submission
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
