There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Are we still banned from the library?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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