He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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