She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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