we have pet lesbian snakes
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
