Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
