WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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