He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
