Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
