i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
