After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
