Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
