he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
