I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize