I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
