I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
