I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
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there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
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holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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