I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We are two peas in an std pod
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
