Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
