and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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