while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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