I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
