I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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