he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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