No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
