Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
