i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
