there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
