If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
