dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
