Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
