Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
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That's how twitter works, right?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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